homesick

It's summertime at home right now and we aren't there. 


We won't get to sit in the shady back alley by our favorite ice cream stand and let our kids run like idiots getting in everyone's way.
We won't go to the folk festival.
We won't go for cheap Indian food or honey soaked loukoumades at Mosaic.
We won't walk around the lake or take picnics by the water.
We won't make it to the outdoor market after having a fancy breakfast at the fancy hotel across the street from said market.
We won't go to our favorite bakery for cookies.
We won't drive to our hometown on a whim because we heard they were having a weiner roast for supper that night. 
We won't have our own backyard campfires.
We won't wash our car outside in the heat in our own driveway.
We won't plant a garden. Or add to the meager front yard landscaping we started last year. 


Sure, we could do one or two of those things here. 
We have found a bakery, but the truth is, I don't really like cupcakes all that much and that's all they sell.  
I'm sure there is an ice cream joint here we could get really good ice cream at... 
There is a lake we could walk by and take picnics at... 
And there is a farmer's market that is huge, but it's indoors and air conditioned and there removes half the fun of a summer day at the market...


I know we are still together and in that way I know we still possess all we need to make anyplace home, but for the first time in my life I feel really homesick for a location. For our old house, our old city, our old places. Hormones may be to blame, Lord knows they are pulsing through body at unprecedented levels, but I don't know. 
I really loved my home. 
I find some comfort in the fact that we have always planned to go back, but I wish there was no sacrifice involved in the mean time. I feel tired of sacrificing. The last few months feel like they've consisted of nothing but sacrifice and now I just want to go home. 

post

i just re-read some old posts.


this one in particular is laughable right now.


Sometime between the writing of that and the days before finding the digital 'pregnant' on the pregnancy test, my mind was most definitely made up.


I did not want another baby. Yes. My decision was made.


Too bad it wasn't mine to make.


I think I have come to terms with the fact that this baby isn't going anywhere. The kicks and flutterings are undeniable now. I am at once thrilled by this fact and terribly, terribly sad. This is not what I had in mind for this year, but slowly I am remembering that the boy wasn't what I had in mind for our first year either. Slowly I am remembering that we had the girl in mind long before we actually got her. Slowly I am remembering that the timing has never been what we had in mind. But it has always been better.


Much, much better.

dear david,

I told myself that if I could just make it the show I probably wouldn't die after all. The concert was hot and cramped and sweaty and I was nauseous, but it was just what I needed to celebrate the fact that it's all downhill from here. Sharing this little... ok very, very HUGE milestone with you (and the husband, of course) was perfect. I would love to come and see you and Ray, alas, the belly isn't getting any smaller and the bank account is, so for now this is goodbye. Next time I see you, the three (three!?) little ones will be in tow. There is a promise to be kept to a certain little fan and I can't wait to keep it.


Sincerely,
Sarah