1

Tomorrow is the big day. 


Me and her, we made it.


We've been reflecting a lot this month on what we went through to get her. The difficult pregnancy. The easy birth. The really sweet first months.
God's goodness and sovereignty at work. 
So easy to grasp on this side of the ordeal. But true nonetheless throughout it all. Just as real in the lows as in the highs. No where near as easy to accept then as it is now. 


But real. 


And now here we are. 
The bird turns 1. 


No more babies in the house. 
No more babies ever in the house. 


It hits me like a brick tonight. 
The eve of 1. 
No more babies. 
Ever.

Regardless of how sure I am that three is enough. Regardless of how confident I am that we cannot handle another pregnancy like the ones I have. Regardless of how great life is now even. 


While we sleep tonight, it changes. 


People told me to soak it in. To enjoy all the little moments with her. To relish her baby self. 


And I tried. And I even think I did a good job of that with her. 


But tonight it doesn't feel like I remember enough. 
It doesn't feel like I took in enough of her baby smell. Or kissed her teeny fingers and toes as many times as I should have.  Or just sat with her and cuddled as often as she deserved. 


The mix of pure joy and utter sadness that is unlike anything else in life. 
To be a parent. 
To be given something so lovely just to be asked to give it away. 


I know that for some, the giving away comes much more suddenly and tragically than what I am talking about experiencing tonight. 
And to be sure, I don't mean to trivialize their loss or the changes they are facing. In fact, I honor them. I can't wrap my mind around what that must be like. 


I pray that the passing of years and the gradual loss of my kids to their adulthood is all that is ever asked of me, because tonight, staring in the face of 1, it feels like more than enough to have to handle. 


Those baby days are gone, but she is not.
And I know how blessed that makes me. 
Tomorrow means a new chance to love her.
To experience her and life through her eyes. 
To soak her in.
To try and memorize as many moments and as much about her as I can. 
Because now that I've known her, I won't ever be able to shake her and sadly, however it comes...
Someday I'm going to have to give her away.


Turning 1 is just the first step.