cheerio dust

My life is covered in cheerio dust. Literally. ALL THE TIME. You know, the annoying dust at the bottom of the bag of cereal? Yeah that. That and dried drips of milk... and cracker crumbs... and tiny fingerprints... and drool... you get the idea. 


I've struggled in life to feel content. To be happy with the now. To enjoy the messiness of life and all it's unknowns. I have spent the years since Elin's birth feeling a pervasive sadness and have allowed myself to see only the bad and rarely the good and I've wondered why I feel so miserable. 
I've loathed the fact that my house doesn't look like the magazines I drool over. I've yelled because I can't take the kids chaos anymore. I've not been able to relax. My family has suffered under this. 
During this last pregnancy things in our family hit their breaking point and it was apparent that some things in my heart needed healing. With my trust and faith so damaged though it was difficult to think that this was even possible. 
Slowly though my heart has been changing and it started with quite a simple revelation; things aren't really that bad. Where my default thought was always a negative before it's changing to see so many positives. So I don't have a house with paint I picked and flooring I love, I have a warm place to sleep. So I was sick for a year, I have a beautiful baby NOW and I never have to do it again. So I don't live close to my family and friends anymore, we are going home eventually. So our apartment building is slightly... mmm, shall we say, ghetto?, last night we watched eight deer in the park just off the coulees that we are lucky enough to be just across the street from. So I haven't lost all the baby weight yet, I am changing that in a slow and healthy way. And at an even deeper level, and likely at the heart of all of this, so I don't feel worthy or good enough... it doesn't mean that it's true. 
Exposing the lie, rejecting it as such and simply choosing to believe Christ's truth. Could it really be that easy? 
I've been playing around with it and turns out it can.  


I wasted a lot of time wishing the cheerio dust was fairy dust (I told you, we're heavily into Peter Pan at the moment) but all along it was better. And I'm only starting to see that. I can't wait to see where this ends up.