on the eve of change

I vividly remember the first time I realized that I was going to be responsible for choosing the type  and place of education for my son. He was barely a year old. I had some loose formed thoughts and thought they could stay that way. It was, after all, four years until those loose thoughts needed to be nailed down. It seemed like forever away and I relished in the time I had.

And now time has run out.

I've talked before about our decision to homeschool and in a dreadfully heartbreaking turn of events we've decided to put that on hold for another year. Which means the son I at one time thought may never sleep through the night, will wake up tomorrow morning (after a full 10+hours) and leave my care for that of another. It's hard articulating the sense of loss I feel over this.

I know he will do great. I know he will excel and learn and grow and have fun. And I want him to. I just wasn't anticipating having to put so many of my feelings and even convictions aside so that he could. 

So tonight I find myself holding back tears as we set out new school clothes and welling up with pride while I watch him lovingly look over the school supplies he so ably chose himself. 

Tonight on the eve of such big change I bathed my baby, prayed we were making the right choice for this time and this precious boy and wished I had realized then that I. Would. Miss. This.