awake

i hadn't anticipated these last 21 months being as hard as they have been. ellie came and life turned upside down. somedays in the best ways and other days the hardest ways. i haven't felt like the mom i want to be. i've felt tired, and lazy and short-tempered, and unmotivated, and all together less than stellar. somedays I've felt like getting out of bed is too much for me. somedays i've just wanted to cry. i've blamed the hormonal battlegrounds of nursing...

my husband hasn't bought it.

lately though it's feeling like a change is in the air. like hope is bubbling up. like we are settling in to being four instead of three. 

we've been eating in instead of out. and watching less tv. and getting up early. and in general being more like the us that we've imagined all along. 

this morning we got up before the sun and set out to see our neighborhood bathed in fog and damp with cool dew. and it felt good. 

it feels like i'm awake.