a favorite moment

blah

It is late here and I am alone.
I am alone and cannot sleep.
This does not bode well for tomorrow. 
Because tomorrow still holds school that we need to be on time for.
Kids that deserve more than the 'angry, grumpy' mom they've been getting.
Meals that need to be consumed.
Laundry that needs to be cleaned.
Doctors appointments that need to be kept.
And on and on it goes. 


I am trying not to be bitter over being left alone here to deal with these things.
But I am. 
And I hate it.
Who leaves a 34 week pregnant wife home alone for days?
Probably so many people that I should feel ridiculous for even asking.


The problem with having an easy, peasy relationship for the last 10 years is that when it gets tough, it gets really tough. 
Depressingly, shockingly tough. 
The great thing about having an easy, peasy relationship for the last 10 years is that I wouldn't give up on it no matter how tough it got.


I am so full of questions about the direction of our life. 
The answers only raise more questions.
And sometimes they disappoint me.
And sometimes they seem rather fitting.
But there are always more questions.
I get tired of even asking.


My belly is huge.
And heavy.
And it's a chore to carry.
Sometimes I feel like I will birth more than a baby.


Can you birth a breakthrough?


Melodrama?
Maybe.


Give it five to six weeks and we'll see. 

day 1

We made it.

on the eve of change

I vividly remember the first time I realized that I was going to be responsible for choosing the type  and place of education for my son. He was barely a year old. I had some loose formed thoughts and thought they could stay that way. It was, after all, four years until those loose thoughts needed to be nailed down. It seemed like forever away and I relished in the time I had.

And now time has run out.

I've talked before about our decision to homeschool and in a dreadfully heartbreaking turn of events we've decided to put that on hold for another year. Which means the son I at one time thought may never sleep through the night, will wake up tomorrow morning (after a full 10+hours) and leave my care for that of another. It's hard articulating the sense of loss I feel over this.

I know he will do great. I know he will excel and learn and grow and have fun. And I want him to. I just wasn't anticipating having to put so many of my feelings and even convictions aside so that he could. 

So tonight I find myself holding back tears as we set out new school clothes and welling up with pride while I watch him lovingly look over the school supplies he so ably chose himself. 

Tonight on the eve of such big change I bathed my baby, prayed we were making the right choice for this time and this precious boy and wished I had realized then that I. Would. Miss. This. 

bathtime

We've entered the land of stereotypical 'boy' behavior. The first indicator was a noticeable resistance to taking a bath when it had once been a favorite time of day.

We're trying to be mindful of the battles we chose so Ephram gets a pass on the bath most nights, which means what used to be done in pairs is now a solo affair for this little one. She's enjoying it so far and he's not the smelliest kid in class yet either. Win. 

P.S. Can anyone tell me when she went and got so old looking?

the baby boots

finished.

the baby boot

The incredibly frustrating thing about sewing these incredibly cute baby booties...

is that you have to sew two for the project to become useful. It's far more tedious than I was anticipating, likely because they're so teeny tiny, but really now, could they be cuter? 

watercolors

is it too early for the epidural?

I wish I could stay in bed all day, listening to this, and not worry about the mess my older children are making or the pile of diapers I so desperately want to get finished today.


Another life.